Malcolm BMX in “Democracy”

[[image:greenbaiter_mini2.jpg::inline:1]]"My administration will stand up for a clean air and clean water in this state. For too long, the Republican majority has acted as if environmental protections that keep us all safe and healthy are just so much red tape that…"


Published December 8, 2006 by C.I.C.L.E.
Contributed by Brady Russell :: for

"My administration will stand up for a clean air and clean water in this state. For too long, the Republican majority has acted as if environmental protections that keep us all safe and healthy are just so much red tape that…" the candidate for the 7th Senatorial District of the State of Pennsylvania said at his fourth campaign rally of the day, this one a League of Conservation Voters meet-and-greet held at the Green Falls State Park Visitor's Center, right outside of suburban Antonio Heights.

[[image:greenbaiter.jpg::inline:1]]The crowd gave him polite, perhaps somewhat-enthusiastic, applause. The desire to throw the current ATV-loving bums out was evident in the mood. These were educated people who knew a politician could easily be trained in saying what they wanted to hear. They were waiting for the verbal-or-physical cues that would signal that this fellow was genuinely green, genuinely committed to rolling back the environmental degradation they rung their hands over – or at least willing to quell it. They could write a check for that, too.

The League supporters wanted to believe, and they probably would have talked themselves into a sort of enthusiasm, if it hadn't been for the bullhorn.

"Excuse me. Excuse me. Over here." The electrolyzed sounding voice of someone speaking over a bullhorn sounded. A series of 'KA-THUNK' 'KA-THUNKS' emphasized the words.

"Hey, G, why 'these hoods make such a lame sound when we bunny hop on them?" Rabbitboy asked Goliath, who was standing next to him on the hood of a black Lincoln town car, expecting sort of a smash.

"'Em hoods is insulated under. Muffles it," Goliath answered.


Malcolm BMX had the bullhorn and his own hood to stand on. He stood astride his bike. He did not bunny hop in place like his cohorts.

"It took you four Lincoln town cars to get to this thing. Four?" BMX asked over his Bullhorn. Waving behind him there were four Lincoln Towncars together. The two that he and his compadres stood atop and two right behind those. In the one right behind BMX's makeshift stage, a thirty something woman in an attractive but severe, don't-screw-with me skirt suit sat with her legs stuck out of the car, half-watching the Senator and half chatting on her cell phone with a not-enormously important regional newspaper editor, but then she said, "I'm going to have to call you back."

The Senatorial Candidate made a gesture at his chief aide, who nodded to a fellow at the corner of the stage who looked toward the back of the crowd at another guy. These were big, ex-football player looking men. Well over six-feet-six. They both advanced on the cars.

Goliath rolled down off the hood of his car and Rabbitboy pounded the hood with his front wheel. Kathunk!Kathunk!Kathunk! Seven men and women in very sweaty tank-tops and courier bags came out from behind the Lincolns and formed a half-moon in front of BMX. They reached into their bags and pulled out de-rubberized U-locks and brandished them at chest level.

BMX dropped his bullhorn, looked at the candidate, looked at the bodyguards, looked back at the candidate and put it back up to his lips: "We cyclists aren't ridiculous people. We know you've got to get around in a car, especially out here in the Car-burbs, but why do you need to drive FOUR LINCOLNS to an environmental event? Why do you need to carry 8 STAFFERS in FOUR LINCOLNS to a 45 Minute ENVIRONMENTAL event? Did anything about that strike you as stupid? I'm looking here, and you've got one Lincoln worth in goons alone!"

BMX went on, while the candidate tried to break in, but BMX just wouldn't let him and somehow the candidate never realized that his P.A. system gave him far better audio-firepower than the two-wheeled revolutionary's bullhorn.

Or maybe you just can't compete with the charisma of the bad boy in the blonde dreads?

Meanwhile, Goliath and Rabbitboy had gone to work on the Lincolns. They'd started spraypainting the sides, first in yellow and then in green (for a nice accent – Goliath's idea). When Rabbitboy got to the car behind BMX, he became nervous asking the woman to put her legs back in so he could shut the door and spraypaint it. She was pretty and sort of mean looking, and he nearly panicked talking to her. She let herself be shut in, though.

BMX would tell Rabbitboy later that his second job hadn't come out as clearly as his first. Rabbitboy would not explain to his leader that the shakiness had been caused by the fact that he'd been trying to peak in the drivers' side-window so that he could get another look at the Campaign Manager in the skirt suit.

And here's what they came to leave all four Lincoln Towncars saying, if a little illegibly on the second one that Rabbitboy painted: "Greenbaiter for Senate."

More Malcolm BMX:

–Malcolm BMX in "Gnawing Doubts"

–Malcolm BMX in “Do Good, Mentor a Child”

–Malcolm BMX: Charisma, Please

–Malcolm BMX: Good Ideas Don’t Leave You Stinky

— Malcolm BMX: The Bulldozer

— Malcolm BMX: Dupont Circle Adventure

— Malcolm BMX: Being Neighborly

— Malcolm BMX: Meet the Boss

— Malcolm BMX: Pedaling Revolution

Brady Russell works in politics. He has been a national organizer, a local organizer, a campus organizer and is currently an Organizer with the Philadelphia Unemployment Project. He started writing in elementary school and never stopped. In fact, he remembers his second grade teacher scolding his class for not trying any of the writing exercises she had put out for them, which she finished by saying, "except for Brady and he's done all of them."

Sometime in high school he decided he would not pursue studies in writing and just try to do it himself. Brady had a few opinion pieces published in some small magazines around the country, but so far he's largely been writing in a closet and keeping his work there.