Go to hell Cyclists: They are nothing but a scourge on our fair streets

Dear UBC cyclists, You can f— right off.

Published February 15, 2008 by Ubyssey Online
by Michael Bround

Dear UBC cyclists,

You can fuck right off.

Sure you are all being green and environmentally conscious. Yes, you are working out and firming up those wonderful bottoms of yours. Of course, bicycles cause unborn children everywhere to leap with joy, and become smarter and slimmer. Bicycles are wonderful. This doesn’t entitle you to be an asshole.

Here’s the thing, you are all a bunch of inconsiderate brain morons. Bicycling has a number of rules and regulations that it has to follow, which frankly, almost none of you follow. Not to mention your complete lack of courtesy to the hundreds of pedestrians you encounter every day.

The first thing you ought to, but apparently don’t, know is that the sidewalk is for pedestrians. A bicycle is considered a vehicle and is supposed to travel on roads. You know, by law. Sure, there are times when riding on the sidewalk is safer or you are nearing the building you are going to. This doesn’t make you the king of the sidewalk. Slow down, and be mindful of the pedestrians around you. They own the sidewalk, not you. Douchebag.

Now that you know that you are really legally obligated to ride your bicycle on the road there are a couple of other things you should know. Like the fact that you are to obey street signs. In other words, stop at stop signs. Don’t just blow through them. It’s asinine and dangerous and a good way to fuck up a pedestrian. Also, if the cars in front of you stop for said stop sign, stop too. Queue up, and wait your turn for the intersection. Do not blow past the cars and take out the person crossing the street that the automobiles in front of you stopped for.

As to your lack of general road manners, here are a few ideas to make you less of a toolbox. Try travelling at the campus speed limit, or not three times it. So that you can stop, maybe, when you need to. Try braking a little, it’s great. Slow down at a crosswalk if people are in it, and stop or maneuver around the pedestrians in it. It’s your job to avoid them, not the other way round. In other words, STOP GOING AS FAST AS YOU FUCKING CAN WHILE DEVIATING COURSE FOR NO ONE!!

So next time you brag to your friend about how you can cross campus in like three or four minutes flat on your bike, pause, and consider what a fucking asshole you are in the process.

P.S. To you cyclists that do obey the street laws and have a brain, ignore all that. This letter is not for you.